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|Rachel Dack • 12/04/17|
Knowing when to stay in a relationship and when to leave can be an exhausting mind game involving second-guessing and doubt. Defense mechanisms, such as denial, rationalization, or acting out, may be utilized to protect yourself against unwanted uncomfortable feelings associated with confronting your dilemma head on and making the decision to stay or go.
Initiating a breakup may be an overwhelming endeavor, but the pain, loss, and stress are temporary. On the other hand, staying in a relationship that is toxic or no longer satisfying will become more damaging to your mental health and well-being over time. The wrong relationship will likely cause continual distress, anger, resentment, anxiety, and sadness, which all impact your relationship in negative ways and lead to the utilization of maladaptive behaviors as protective measures. Tolerating the short-term challenge of a breakup will lead you toward the love life you hope to create.
If you find yourself struggling to know what to do or are giving yourself a hard time about wanting to break up, know that it’s OK to put your happiness first and end a relationship that no longer serves you well. Try not to judge your reasons for wanting to move on, but rather use how you feel as information to make an informed choice.
There are numerous reasons why relationships end, and below are 10 of the most common reasons women break up with their boyfriends.
You have a gut feeling or intuition that something is off, or you have an uneasy feeling you can’t shake. Maybe your relationship feels negative or toxic, or maybe you know deep down something is missing that you can’t put your finger on.
Information may come in the form of a dream or nightmare or vivid thoughts and fantasies about breaking up and leaving. If you find yourself continuing to convince yourself to stay, it’s a good time to part ways and honor how you really feel.
Violence is never OK and is not a part of a healthy loving relationship — no matter what your partner tells you or you tell yourself. You may find yourself justifying or denying your partner’s violent behaviors or even telling yourself you deserve the way he treats you. However, violence does major damage to your relationship, physical health, mental health, and self-worth.
It’s also often linked to other destructive relationship dynamics such as empty threats for change and peacemaking promises that are not kept over time. If you’re scared to leave due to threats of further violence, know there is help and support available from mental health professionals, friends and family, and domestic violence and crisis hotlines.
Trust, one of the most significant foundational components in a relationship, is broken when infidelity (emotional or sexual) occurs. Cheating is often a symptom of a greater problem such as loneliness, high conflict, or lack of passion in a relationship. It may point to something missing in the relationship or a person’s individual propensity to cheat.
The aftermath of cheating can be a very depressing, anxiety-provoking, and difficult time. While it’s possible to rebuild trust and recover from an affair, it’s also completely reasonable to initiate a breakup after being cheated on or cheating on your partner.
Your relationship may be fun, but there is a lack of long-term potential if you and your partner’s long-term goals are misaligned or he exhibits a deal-breaker you can’t get past. Maybe your values don’t match up with your partner’s, you’re marriage-minded and he is only looking for something casual, or he wants kids and you don’t.
Having similar values and goals is essential, and overstaying when you know the relationship isn’t going in the direction you would like will only leave you hurting more later. Generally speaking, the longer you’re together, the more attached you will be.
If you’re in a monogamous relationship but are falling for someone else, do the right thing and end your relationship before starting a new one or giving into cheating temptations. It’s unfair to your partner to invest in your relationship if you can’t get someone else off your mind.
The breakup has potential to be even more devastating to your partner if there’s another person in the picture or if cheating has occurred, so keep it clean and give yourself permission to walk away.
Examples include an addiction to alcohol, drugs, food, gambling, overspending, or pornography, or it could be a mental illness, a bad habit, or unhealthy lifestyle choice. Regardless of the problem, the issue is heightened due to your partner’s lack of proactive behavior or willingness to make changes and take ownership.
It’s important to be supportive while setting boundaries with your partner to avoid enabling and not carrying the burden for him. However, if your partner is unwilling to confront what’s really going on and recognize he has work to do, it’s wise to walk away.
Or perhaps he treats you poorly. These behaviors may include emotional put-downs, constant criticism, emotionally destructive communication, short-temperedness, misplaced anger, lying, or manipulation. It may also take the form of overprotective, aggressive, controlling, stalking behaviors, or attempts to isolate you from friends and family and control who you can and cannot spend time with.
If you boyfriend is paranoid, overly jealous, or distrusting of you for no apparent reason and forbids you from communicating with certain people, your relationship is in serious trouble. Again, don’t be afraid to rely on your support system or professional help as you cut the cord.
Low self-esteem and poor self-image will naturally cause you to doubt your own worthiness. If you believe you’re undeserving of love, you may settle for a relationship that does not bring you joy out of fear of not finding someone else who loves you.
You may also be more willing to accept unhealthy treatment from a partner if you’re not convinced you deserve better. Working on your self-esteem and repairing the way you feel about yourself will aid you in making a more empowered choice about the future of your relationship.
You and your partner are no longer growing together and you aren’t happy. This may include giving up on your major dreams, goals, or who you are to preserve the relationship. Or maybe you and your partner have fallen into a long-term rut and have both tried to get back on the right track, but you still aren’t satisfied.
You may experience feelings of boredom, resentment, or dissatisfaction if it feels like your partner is holding you back or your relationship is stable but not going anywhere positive.
Often the anticipation of a breakup and the logistics (for example, moving out, finding a new place to live, separating possessions, or saying goodbye) are so overwhelming that you do everything in your power to make the relationship work and mask your feelings despite knowing deep down what you really want.
However, staying to avoid an actual breakup event is not a healthy reason to stay. Remind yourself that the stress and sadness associated with a breakup are temporary, and you can handle it.
Breakups can be challenging, and avoiding saying goodbye may sound appealing. However, staying in an unhealthy or dissatisfying relationship sets you up for a wide range of problems over time.
Regardless of your reason to break up with your boyfriend, trust the way you feel and take action toward a more satisfying love life. Utilize healthy coping skills, be accepting of outside support, and believe in yourself and what you deserve.
Photo sources: psychologybenefits.com, makeyourbestself.com